Let me tell you some thing as we start the show
It's a little some thing I thought you should know
So I will tell you as we settle in to place
It's impossible to sing and play the bass
You're a lovely group of people you deserve the courtesy
Of knowing what you can expect of me
I have practiced but it will not mean a thing 'cause
It's impossible to play the bass and sing
You see the bass is fretless it's not like a guitar
On bass you spend your whole life wondering where the
hell you are
It's got no little markers just a finger board so bare
And lots of notes that often are not there
Then when you start singing you've got lyrics on your mind
And the notes on bass become impossible to find
To remember lyrics melodies bass lines and chords
Is no less a miracle than Lourdes
So as I make a thousand errors sit there and be kind
Do not throw tomatoes at me keep this all in mind
Remember this is serious remember this is art
Remember this or I will fall apart
Then I'd have to pray to God to come and intercede
And she'd only sit and laugh at my wanton greed
She made the rules for molecules atoms time and space
And she knows it's impossible to sing and play the bass
If you really want to cause a problem
If you really real-y want to cause some pain
Then simply go down to your local air-port
And try to put a bass aboard a plane
The trouble starts when you approach the terminal
You won't find a skycap any where
'cause once they see the giant case in which you've
packed your massive bass
They disappear into thin air
So by yourself you lug it to the terminal
You let out a big sigh of relief
The ticket lady looks at you in horror
She stares at you in disbelief
She says you're not going to put that on an airplane
It's just too large it's just too big
So you smile but she does not think you're funny
To her you're just another sexist pig
She gets angry and calls her supervisor
Who sees the bass and goes into a swoon
And the ticket they decide on for theplane you want to ride on costs you
More than a ticket to the moon
And nowadays we must deal with security
They see the bass, they start to drool
They want to give the bass a colonoscopy
You struggle to be cool
But this is not the time for getting angry
This is not the time to cause a scene
This is when you must turn into Ghandi
Calm and placid and serene
Better yet be Obi Wan Kannobi
Use the force to get them in to line
Tell 'em "do not worry 'bout the bass it will be no problem
Let the bass pass through it will be fine"
If you really really want to cause a problem
If you really really want to cause some pain
Simply go down to your lo-cal airport and
Try to put a bass aboard a plane
Take my seat aboard a plane and what is this I see?
Leonard Bernstein comes aboard and sits right next to me
First class New York to LA some things just work out right
I’ll be sitting next to Leonard Bernstein this whole flight
Maybe I should just act like I do not recognize him
Be real cool and do my best not to antagonize him
Now we're rollin' down the runway next stop is L A
I'm nonchalant like I ride next to Lenny every day
Naturally I turn to him against my own advice
Introduce myself and find that Lenny's very nice
Soon we start to chat and drink and talk about our lives
We talk about our children and our wives
But what a lovely fellow what a lucky day
Me and Lenny side by side New York to LA
Soon we're chatting drinking talking like the best of pals
Talking music life and art death and root canals
Now he's interrupting me but really that's O K
'cause he's a lovely fellow and he's got a lot to say
I recite some songs I wrote he recites them back
For poetry and music he seems to have a knack
He tells me that his new show closed and now he's feeling beat
And he's not used to dealing with defeat
But what a lovely fellow what a lucky day
Me and Lenny side by side New York to LA
He does the London Times crossword ten minutes and he's through
He does the puzzle with his pen I do not have a clue
What an intellectual but what a friendly guy
We talk about the world below as we sail through the sky
Finally I feel the airplane starting to descend
And I know this lovely day is coming to an end
Put our trays and seat backs up just like you're 'sposed to do
Land and bid my friend a fond adieux
But what a lovely fellow what a lucky day
Me and Lenny side by side New York to LA
What a lovely fellow though really I must say
I've not heard from Lenny since I left him in LA
Not a blessed word from Lenny since I
Left him in LA
He meant the world to me
His spirit set me free
And I’ll be walkin’ long and suddenly I
Really start to miss RB.
I miss that big warm smile
Ain’t seen it for a while
But in my heart it seems to stay and
I hope that it will never fade away
Some people touch you so
I know I know you know
And every now and then I clearly see
How much I really miss RB
I guess it's plain to see that something's coming over me
Once I was fancy free but now you've captured me
What is this thing about you why can't I live without you
I wonder if I shouldn't try to just forget about you
But that is not about to be I see I'll simply have to
Suffer the consequences I let down my defenses
How could this ever happen
Somehow you caught me nappin'
And this time I know it's for real
Maybe I should run away to some exotic island and stay
Far away as I can from the flame
Sit and gaze into the ocean 'til I lose the crazy notion
That we two could ever be the same
I guess it's plain to see that something's coming over me
No better explanation It's not infatuation
Hear what I'm sayin' baby no question and no maybe
This time I know it's for real
Hear the pretty music see the people dancin'
It's Louie Bellson's band up on the stage
Music great for dancin', singin', and romancin'
But tonight the fox trot is the rage
Suddenly a grouchy man with silver hair comes to the stand
And fires off a warning cannon
He says he's a big contributor to this affair
And he wants us to play like Lester Lanin
This guy don't know from Louie Bellson and he could care less
And he proceeds to make this solemn vow
He knows what we are being paid and all of it will be mislaid
Unless we play some Lester Lanin now
At these kind of dances the people take no chances
It's Lester Lanin music all the way
They don't think it's funny when they've paid a lot of money
To have to swing when they would rather sway
You see Lester Lanin's music is country clubs and yellow pants
Ties with ducks and loafers with no sox
Louie Bellson's mus-c is for jazz freaks bums and beatniks
Louie Bellson's music is the pox!
Lester Lanin's music is oldsmobiles and riding lessons
Strings of pearls and patent leather pumps
Louie Bellson's music is chewing gum and Seagram's Seven
The kind of music that you find in dumps you find in dumps!
Play some real dance music screams the man with silver hair
He is so bugged that he could snap
He says I don't care who I don't care how you better play my mus-ic now
'cause I can't dance a fox-trot to this crap
He walks away returns smolders burns
Finally says “hey listen to me Bellson
Heads are gonna roll 'round here unless you play my music
Try to understand me well son
So Louie nods and then proceeds to play a long drum solo
Loud and long just like he was deranged
I guess he figured if the man had paid to be unhappy
He should not be short changed
So the guy comes back but Louie stops him in his track
Louie says you better listen to me well son
Louie says I'm sorry you are so upset it fills me up with deep regret
I'm sorry you're so discontent about the money you have spent
I'm sorry you blew all that loot but listen to me you old coot
Tonight you're gonna dance to Louie Bell-son
That's L-O-U-I-E B-E-L-L-son
Tonight you're gonna dance to Louie Bellson
Don't take a boy and turn him into a soldier
Don't teach a boy how to kill
Don't take a boy and teach him to be tough
He will learn that soon enough
Yes he will
Don't take a boy and bury his feelings
Buried feelings will not make a man
Don't take a boy and teach him life's dirty dealings
Take a Boy hold him tight while you can
Yes let the flower grow and the man that you will know
Will have the strength of which you dream
And some day he'll be grown with a mind all his own
Thinking thoughts that run clear and thoughts that run beautiful
Like a clear crystal stream
Over there see the Bluebird
He's my friend a true blue bird
He will give me the good word
All the good news that he's heard
About you yes it's true
So much to tell me
Then he flies into the sky
Where he goes nobody knows
He won't say just flies away
Then returns early each day
He's my friend he's my Bluebird
Come and tell me what's new bird
Where'd you go what'd you do bird?
Tell me her love is true bird
Whisper near in my ear give me the good news
You beat my dog you eat my frog
You drink up all my gin
You bay at the moon you sleep 'til noon
And you never tell me where you been
I buy you clothes I fix your nose
I steal you ruby rings
You break the rules you pee in pools
You do outrageous things
Woman, I lie I cheat I steal I die for you, woman
Woman I'd lay down my life and die for you woman
You take my car you drive so far
Come back with the tank on E
Your hair all messed and you half dressed
And you just look at me
You('re) out all night you come home tight
You fall down on my bed
There you lay for all the next day
For all I know you dead
Woman I lie I cheat I steal I die for you, woman
Woman I'd lay down my life and die for you, woman
Now listen friend this has got to end
We got to have ourselves a talk
Things got to change got to rearrange
Or somebody gonna take a walk
Now I ain't one to put down fun
But this time you've gone too far
You smoke my hash you spend my cash
Who the hell you think you are
You beat my dog you eat my frog
You drink up all my gin
You bay at the moon you sleep 'til noon
And you never tell me where you been
I don't know why I even try
To change the status quo
'cause you break the rules you pee in pools
And still I love you so pretty baby
Still I love you so
At first I thought I knew what I was doing
Then I found out I was wrong
In spite of what I thought was right
The world has shown me otherwise
And so I wrote this little song
For you see I always thought the word was nuclear
As in nuclear power, nuclear generation
But now I find the word is really nukular
Yes nukular is the proper pronunciation
Yes it's nukular nukular n-u-k-u-l-a-r
Say it and you'll quickly come to love it
Nukular nukular n-u-k-u-l-a-r
Show the world you're stupid and proud of it
Nukular has two u sounds that roll right off the tongue
Nukular is macho it's athletic
But nuclear is feminine it's weak it’s far too gentle
Nuclear is passive it’s pathetic
Nuclear is complicated it sounds suspiciously like french
It's just too meek and humble
Nukular is powerful it has a certain jen ne cest pas
That says it's rough and ready to rumble
Yes it's nukular nukular and while it may seem peculular
Now I say it with no fear
But how the pronunciation went from nuclear to nukular
Still remains unkular
OK perhaps I'm being nasty
Being ugly and only getting ugular
But with the dumbing down of America today
I feel the urge to go right for the jugliar
Yes it's nukular nukular n-u-k-u-l-a-r
Any other way is just too taxing
Nukular nukular it rolls right off the tongue
With nukular the uvula's re-lax-ing
Yes it's nukular nukular n-u-k-u-l-a-r
Say it and you'll quickly come to love it
Nukular nukular n-u-k-u-l-a-r
Show the world you're stupid
Really really stupid
Show the world you're stupid and proud of it
robert frost did write in settings beautiful and rustic
he wrote of rolling hills and green terrain
while poor me I must do my writing in the chaos of the city
sometimes even on a subway train
how am I to ever learn about the woodlands and the falling
leaves of autumn and such things sublime
when I must spend all of my time truckin' ‘round this dirty city
doin’ what I can to earn a dime
how did robert frost make payments on that little country house of
his where did he get the dough?
could he go down to the country store and sell a poem saying
here's a nice one I wrote about the snow
surely now he must have had a sponsor of some sort
perhaps a lady friend who simply rolled in bread
a lady friend to say now bob why don't you take a long long walk
and write whatever pops into your head
she say bobby don't you worry 'bout the mortgage
bobby don't you worry 'bout the bills
bobby why don't you go write a poem 'bout the fences
'bout the neighbors and the rolling hills
bobby don't you worry 'bout the dishes
bobby do not touch those pans
bobby now it is not good than an artist like yourself should be
walkin round this world with dishpan hands
so you see old bob was free to follow through his fancies
wander through the woods behind the muse
boy if I had bobby's life I could follow through my fancies
oh to be in bobby's shoes
boy if I had bobby's life I could be a hero
go out and find my fortune and my fame
but the only trouble is I hear from people who have found it is that
every thing in life stays just the same
just the same
Run For Cover
Grady called me asked me could I cover for Ron Carter
I would have said no thank you had I been a little smarter
‘Cause subbing for Ron Carter is a truly thankless task
Something for which you should never ask.
You see when
People hire Ron Carter they want the genuine article
Not some minor microscopic subatomic particle
When people hire Ron Carter it is not a treasure hunt
They know exactly what they want.
The gig was for a singer a great big opera star. And
Ron was supposed to make the gig you know how these things are.
He was absent, he was missing, simply would not be there,
In his place it would be me there.
I walked into rehearsal looking forward to our meeting
I walked into rehearsal hoping for a friendly greeting
Instead I got a dirty diva look that stopped me cold, that
Warned me of the furies to unfold.
The Diva was not happy the diva was confused,
I was not Ron Carter she was not amused
No one had informed her, she did not have a clue
"Where’s Ron Carter who the hell are you?"
We tried to start rehearsing but it really rough, she
Hated the way I played the rests, I didn’t rest enough,
She insisted that the bass must sound like a string quartet,
The diva was upset.
When people hire Ron Carter they want the genuine article
Not some minor microscopic subatomic particle.
Last minute substitutions like this are the kiss of death
They’re worthy of MacBeth
At the concert she was still as angry as she could be,
I still was not Ron Carter and I probably never would be.
So I just played the concert knowing soon I would be free
And I could just go back to being me.
Mr. Potato Head
A man had an interesting hobby,
It seems that sculpting was his gift, And
One day he decided he would sculpt a little something special,
And he created quite a rift.
For he decided he would sculpt a penis, and
He would carve it out of a potato,
He worked with practiced hands and eyes, colored it natural dyes,
Like the pinks and reds in the tomato.
Those who saw it say it was amazing, in
Perfect detail down to the smallest part
Anatomically quite accurate, very realistic,
They say it was a work of art.
But I will spare you further detail,
Just understand the thing looked very real, but
keep it forever he just could not, it was a potato it started to rot,
And lose its sex appeal.
So our sculptor took his interesting potato put it
In a plastic bag and threw it out,
Naturally a woman found it naturally she was astounded, Called the cops who did not have a doubt.
Nobody wanted to examine it too closely, but
No one doubted it was real.
Soon the papers heard about it,
It was becoming one big deal.
The coroner’s report quite firmly stated,
The thing was real it simply was organic,
Microscopic slides showed that it had been alive,
Still there was no need to panic.
Morticians in the morgue were simply mortified, they’d
Never so much as lost an inch of colon.
Now they were just horrified to think that someone who had died
Might possibly have had an organ stolen
After lots and lots of careful testing
Everybody chemist in the lab could see, the
The subject matter did consist of living cells and chromosomes
So really what else could it be?
TV stations simply loved the story, they
Had their fun like TV people will. They
Showed the woman who’d found it, in her little store surrounded
By hot dogs cooking on the grill.
Every day it popped up in the papers,
The little story would not go away,
Peaking everybody’s sense of morbid curiosity,
And their fears about foul play.
Meanwhile our sculptor simply laid low,
Why let the cat out of the bag?
Even though he knew he’d not done anything illegal,
He knew he should not brag.
Finally he decided it was time to tell the truth,
What else could he do?
But no one down at City Hall believed a word he said,
They simply dod not think his story could be true.
Some say it was decadent, others say it was time well spent,
Others just philosophize like Plato,
But there can be no dispute, it really truly was a root,
It absolutely was a penis, just not of the proper genus,
Now it’s very clear to see the whole thing was a fallacy,
Let’s hear it for the bold creator of this old and cold dictator,
A man and his interesting potato.
My story does not have a funny ending,
One final joke that we can laugh about. The
People in Baltimore finally just got tired of the subject matter, and the
Whole think simply………………
(you, the reader, must fill in the last two words)
You say that you’re leaving You're going away
you’re not make-believe you mean what you say
I guess I should be grieving and begging you to stay but seeing in believing, today’s that day
‘but baby you might change your mind wait and see
A little twist of fate will leave you feeling like you own the world and you’ll
Feel like coming back to me but baby
I might change my mind
Wait and see and maybe
when you go I’ll get to likin being on my own and I’ll
Want to keep on being free
It’s been coming for some time now, it’s been in the air It seems like the good times they
just aren’t there
You used to love to hold me, but now you don’t care
You say that you’re leaving but baby beware ‘cause baby you might change your mind wait and see
A little twist of fate will leave you feeling like you own the world and you’ll
Feel like coming back to me but baby I might change my mind
Wait and see cause may be
when you go I’ll get to likin’ being on my own
I’ll call Ma Bell and she’ll come by and change the telephone
I’ll find that I can make it down that lonely road alone and I’ll
Want to keep on being free
Take my seat aboard the plane and what is this see? Leonard Bernstein comes aboard and sits right next to me.
First-class New York to LA some things just work out right
I’ll be sitting next to Leonard Bernstein this whole flight.
Maybe I should just act like I do not recognize him be real cool and do my best not to antagonize him. Now we’re rolling down the runway next stop is LA I’m nonchalant like I ride next to Lenny every day.
Naturally, I turn to him against my best advice introduce myself, and find that Lenny’s very nice. Soon we start to chat and drink and talk about our lives,
We talk about our children and our wives.
What a lovely fellow, what a lovely day, me and Lenny side by side, New York to LA.
Soon we’re chatting drinking talking like the best of pals
Talking music, life, and art, death, and root canals, now he’s interrupting me but really that’s ok ‘cause he’s a lovely fellow and he’s got a lot to say.
I recite some songs I wrote he recites them back for poetry and music he seems to have a knack
He tells me that his new show closed and now he’s feeling beat and
He’s not used to dealing with defeat.
What a lovely fellow, what a lovely day, me and Lenny side by side, New York to LA.
He does the LondonTimes crossword ten minutes and he’s through
He does the puzzle with his pen I do not have a clue. What an intellectual, what a friendly guy,
We talk about the world below as we sail through the sky.
Finally, I feel the airplane starting to descend, and I know this lovely day is coming to an end. Put our trays and seat belts up just like you're ‘sposed to do
Land and bid my friend a fond adieu.
What a lovely fellow, what a lovely day,
Me and Lenny side by side, New York to LA.
What a lovely fellow though really I must say,
I’ve not heard from Lenny since I left him in LA
Not a blessed word from Lenny since I left him in LA
It’s been over thirty years since I overcame my fears Packed my bags and moved to New York City
Find myself a little place, just room for me and my bass No time to wallow in self-pity
So I go to Jim and Andy’s bar, that’s where the musicians are Give lady luck a little nudge
Open the door and I walk in, right away luck does begin Cause on that day I run into the Judge
No sooner am I in the place, when I’m standing face to face, With one of the great legends in our land
I start getting very nervous, what did I do to deserve this? A Feeling that I think you’d understand
No hidden motivations lurk, the judge knows that I need to work, he knows the hungry look of a beginner
So we talk for a little while until I see the judge’s smile and
He invites me out the house to dinner
So I call on the telephone, a woman by the name of Mona
Answers and say Sunday would be fine.
So merrily to Queens, I trudge for dinner with Mona and the Judge I”m Laden down with flowers, gifts, and wine
(Well flowers and gifts....)
(OK, just flowers.....)
(All right, nothing....I was young)
Naturally, I’m right on time and Mona’s cooking is sublime Real home cooking, yes the genuine stuff
After dinner I play the bass, a stern look on the judge's face, After three notes he says that’s enough.
Oh no I’ve failed my first audition in my quest for a position Just someplace in New York I could play
I didn’t need anything real big, I just wanted a simple gig
I didn’t care what it might pay
So I say good night to Milt and Mona, once again I’m all alone a Young man with those great big city blues
But next week it’s the strangest thing my telephone begins to ring with Gigs for me, such wonderful news.
He helped me so when i got started, such wise counsel he imparted And he taught my telephone to ring
And there’s simply no debating that he helped my credit rating
In itself, a monumental thing.
Perhaps I need a new perspective, lenses just a bit corrective
But to me, the Judge stands ten feet tall
Up from the primordial slime and sludge, occasionally evolves a Judge to Help us find some meaning in it all
He’s shown me how to lead my life, how to deal with stress and strife
Living with a minimum of fuss
He shows us how to lead our lives, he shows us how to take care of our wives while They in fact are taking care of us.
Amazing that a jazz musician should achieve such a position
Where he is beheld a national treasure
But before the birth of Branford and Wynton, I was friends with Milton Hinton A fact I note with great pride and great pleasure.
Another birthday comes and goes, but on the Judge, it never shows He must have friends in higher places
Or maybe it’s just because he’s wise and gets a lot of exercise Chasing trains and planes and lugging basses.
So here I stand before you folks I’ll spare you all the corny jokes, I’ll just play the bass and sing
But from this stage, I will not budge until I get to tell the judge We love you Judge, and thanks for everything
You make every rhythm section swing
We love you Judge and thanks for everything
Ther'es gonna be trouble I can feel it in the air The owner’s in the corner giving me a nasty stare Ther'es gonna be trouble I can see it in his face Just ‘cause there’s three people in the place.
I give him my best excuses I say you got to advertise
He says if I were famous they’d be here, oh the look in his eyes
There’s gonna be trouble and this is where it starts
He’s talking to waiters, handing out the poison darts
There’s gonna be trouble
He don’t like my music and he don’t like my style
He don’t like my lyrics and he sure don’t like my smile He don’t like my momma or the whole human race Just because there’s three folks in the place
There’s gonna be trouble
Boss I’m really sorry there’s no one here tonight
But the moon is full and all my friends are outside soaking up the light
Pests and vermin roam the street and giant dogs run free, and
That’s the only reason nobody came to see me
There’s Gonna be Trouble
There’s a room of empty tables a room of empty chairs A room of idle waiters a room of nasty stares
Candles on the empty tables flicker in the breeze Won’t somebody find a way to end my miseries
The cook is smiling at me teeth of flashing gold
Fondling a butcher’s knife so shiny white and cold
People passing by outside with faces dull and vague Looking like if they came in they’d surely catch the plague
The owner’s looking out the window looking oh so glum He don’t like music don’t care where I’m coming from.
I just better pack my tent and slip right out of here
The signs are very clear,
There’s gonna be trouble
I’ve always known that I wanted to get closer to you, do you
think that maybe there is a small chance that this could happen
please don’t lie ‘Cause if it doesn’t happen
I won’t die
It’s just that I know I could wait forever
If it seems even possible that you. might give in
But do not worry ‘bout me I am survivor, maybe not a thriver
But somehow I manage
Still, it isn’t pretty. Thinking ‘bout you only
Wallow in self-pity, I get very lonely
But still, I am able to make sense of it, don’t ask how
So I’ll cool it
Perhaps I’ll even try to stumble on without you, fumble on without you
Take it easy just let the world keep spinning
And keep hoping you will come around
Or maybe I will just face facts and stop all this schemin’ dreamin’
Trying to knock you head over heels
When it is quite clear how you feel
Guess I lack a certain sex appeal Who am I kidding I’ll never give up
Woe is Me 6.16.22 Woe is me