Let me tell you some thing as we start the show
It's a little some thing I thought you should know
So I will tell you as we settle in to place
It's impossible to sing and play the bass
You're a lovely group of people you deserve the courtesy
Of knowing what you can expect of me
I have practiced but it will not mean a thing 'cause
It's impossible to play the bass and sing
You see the bass is fretless it's not like a guitar
On bass you spend your whole life wondering where the
hell you are
It's got no little markers just a finger board so bare
And lots of notes that often are not there
Then when you start singing you've got lyrics on your mind
And the notes on bass become impossible to find
To remember lyrics melodies bass lines and chords
Is no less a miracle than Lourdes
So as I make a thousand errors sit there and be kind
Do not throw tomatoes at me keep this all in mind
Remember this is serious remember this is art
Remember this or I will fall apart
Then I'd have to pray to God to come and intercede
And she'd only sit and laugh at my wanton greed
She made the rules for molecules atoms time and space
And she knows it's impossible to sing and play the bass

If you really want to cause a problem 

If you really real-y want to cause some pain 

Then simply go down to your local air-port 

And try to put a bass aboard a plane 

The trouble starts when you approach the terminal 

You won't find a skycap any where 

'cause once they see the giant case in which you've 

packed your massive bass 

They disappear into thin air 

So by yourself you lug it to the terminal 

You let out a big sigh of relief 

The ticket lady looks at you in horror 

She stares at you in disbelief 

She says you're not going to put that on an airplane 

It's just too large it's just too big 

So you smile but she does not think you're funny 

To her you're just another sexist pig 

She gets angry and calls her supervisor 

Who sees the bass and goes into a swoon 

And the ticket they decide on for theplane you want to ride on costs you 

More than a ticket to the moon 

And nowadays we must deal with security 

They see the bass, they start to drool 

They want to give the bass a colonoscopy 

You struggle to be cool 

But this is not the time for getting angry

This is not the time to cause a scene 

This is when you must turn into Ghandi 

Calm and placid and serene 

Better yet be Obi Wan Kannobi 

Use the force to get them in to line 

Tell 'em "do not worry 'bout the bass it will be no problem 

Let the bass pass through it will be fine" 

If you really really want to cause a problem 

If you really really want to cause some pain 

Simply go down to your lo-cal airport and 

Try to put a bass aboard a plane

Take my seat aboard a plane and what is this I see? 

Leonard Bernstein comes aboard and sits right next to me 

First class New York to LA some things just work out right 

I’ll be sitting next to Leonard Bernstein this whole flight 

Maybe I should just act like I do not recognize him 

Be real cool and do my best not to antagonize him 

Now we're rollin' down the runway next stop is L A 

I'm nonchalant like I ride next to Lenny every day 

Naturally I turn to him against my own advice 

Introduce myself and find that Lenny's very nice 

Soon we start to chat and drink and talk about our lives 

We talk about our children and our wives 

But what a lovely fellow what a lucky day 

Me and Lenny side by side New York to LA 

Soon we're chatting drinking talking like the best of pals 

Talking music life and art death and root canals 

Now he's interrupting me but really that's O K 

'cause he's a lovely fellow and he's got a lot to say 

I recite some songs I wrote he recites them back 

For poetry and music he seems to have a knack 

He tells me that his new show closed and now he's feeling beat 

And he's not used to dealing with defeat 

But what a lovely fellow what a lucky day 

Me and Lenny side by side New York to LA

He does the London Times crossword ten minutes and he's through 

He does the puzzle with his pen I do not have a clue 

What an intellectual but what a friendly guy 

We talk about the world below as we sail through the sky 

Finally I feel the airplane starting to descend 

And I know this lovely day is coming to an end 

Put our trays and seat backs up just like you're 'sposed to do 

Land and bid my friend a fond adieux 

But what a lovely fellow what a lucky day 

Me and Lenny side by side New York to LA 

What a lovely fellow though really I must say 

I've not heard from Lenny since I left him in LA 

Not a blessed word from Lenny since I 

Left him in LA

He meant the world to me 

His spirit set me free 

And I’ll be walkin’ long and suddenly I 

Really start to miss RB. 

I miss that big warm smile 

Ain’t seen it for a while 

But in my heart it seems to stay and 

I hope that it will never fade away 

Some people touch you so 

I know I know you know 

And every now and then I clearly see 

How much I really miss RB

I guess it's plain to see that something's coming over me 

Once I was fancy free but now you've captured me 

What is this thing about you why can't I live without you 

I wonder if I shouldn't try to just forget about you 

But that is not about to be I see I'll simply have to 

Suffer the consequences I let down my defenses 

How could this ever happen 

Somehow you caught me nappin' 

And this time I know it's for real 

Maybe I should run away to some exotic island and stay 

Far away as I can from the flame 

Sit and gaze into the ocean 'til I lose the crazy notion 

That we two could ever be the same 

I guess it's plain to see that something's coming over me 

No better explanation It's not infatuation 

Hear what I'm sayin' baby no question and no maybe 

This time I know it's for real

Hear the pretty music see the people dancin' 

It's Louie Bellson's band up on the stage 

Music great for dancin', singin', and romancin' 

But tonight the fox trot is the rage 

Suddenly a grouchy man with silver hair comes to the stand 

And fires off a warning cannon 

He says he's a big contributor to this affair 

And he wants us to play like Lester Lanin 

This guy don't know from Louie Bellson and he could care less 

And he proceeds to make this solemn vow 

He knows what we are being paid and all of it will be mislaid 

Unless we play some Lester Lanin now 

At these kind of dances the people take no chances 

It's Lester Lanin music all the way 

They don't think it's funny when they've paid a lot of money 

To have to swing when they would rather sway 

You see Lester Lanin's music is country clubs and yellow pants 

Ties with ducks and loafers with no sox 

Louie Bellson's mus-c is for jazz freaks bums and beatniks 

Louie Bellson's music is the pox! 

Lester Lanin's music is oldsmobiles and riding lessons 

Strings of pearls and patent leather pumps 

Louie Bellson's music is chewing gum and Seagram's Seven 

The kind of music that you find in dumps you find in dumps! 

Play some real dance music screams the man with silver hair 

He is so bugged that he could snap 

He says I don't care who I don't care how you better play my mus-ic now

'cause I can't dance a fox-trot to this crap 

He walks away returns smolders burns 

Finally says “hey listen to me Bellson 

Heads are gonna roll 'round here unless you play my music 

Try to understand me well son 

So Louie nods and then proceeds to play a long drum solo 

Loud and long just like he was deranged 

I guess he figured if the man had paid to be unhappy 

He should not be short changed 

So the guy comes back but Louie stops him in his track 

Louie says you better listen to me well son 

Louie says I'm sorry you are so upset it fills me up with deep regret 

I'm sorry you're so discontent about the money you have spent 

I'm sorry you blew all that loot but listen to me you old coot 

Tonight you're gonna dance to Louie Bell-son 

That's L-O-U-I-E B-E-L-L-son 

Tonight you're gonna dance to Louie Bellson

Don't take a boy and turn him into a soldier 

Don't teach a boy how to kill 

Don't take a boy and teach him to be tough 

He will learn that soon enough 

Yes he will 

Don't take a boy and bury his feelings 

Buried feelings will not make a man 

Don't take a boy and teach him life's dirty dealings 

Take a Boy hold him tight while you can 

Yes let the flower grow and the man that you will know 

Will have the strength of which you dream 

And some day he'll be grown with a mind all his own 

Thinking thoughts that run clear and thoughts that run beautiful 

Like a clear crystal stream

Over there see the Bluebird 

He's my friend a true blue bird 

He will give me the good word 

All the good news that he's heard 

About you yes it's true 

So much to tell me 

Then he flies into the sky 

Where he goes nobody knows 

He won't say just flies away 

Then returns early each day 

He's my friend he's my Bluebird 

Come and tell me what's new bird 

Where'd you go what'd you do bird? 

Tell me her love is true bird 

Whisper near in my ear give me the good news

You beat my dog you eat my frog 

You drink up all my gin 

You bay at the moon you sleep 'til noon 

And you never tell me where you been 

I buy you clothes I fix your nose 

I steal you ruby rings 

You break the rules you pee in pools 

You do outrageous things 

Woman, I lie I cheat I steal I die for you, woman 

Woman I'd lay down my life and die for you woman 

You take my car you drive so far 

Come back with the tank on E 

Your hair all messed and you half dressed 

And you just look at me 

You('re) out all night you come home tight 

You fall down on my bed 

There you lay for all the next day 

For all I know you dead 

Woman I lie I cheat I steal I die for you, woman 

Woman I'd lay down my life and die for you, woman 

Now listen friend this has got to end 

We got to have ourselves a talk 

Things got to change got to rearrange 

Or somebody gonna take a walk

Now I ain't one to put down fun 

But this time you've gone too far 

You smoke my hash you spend my cash 

Who the hell you think you are 

You beat my dog you eat my frog 

You drink up all my gin 

You bay at the moon you sleep 'til noon 

And you never tell me where you been 

I don't know why I even try 

To change the status quo 

'cause you break the rules you pee in pools 

And still I love you so pretty baby 

Still I love you so

At first I thought I knew what I was doing 

Then I found out I was wrong 

In spite of what I thought was right 

The world has shown me otherwise 

And so I wrote this little song 

For you see I always thought the word was nuclear 

As in nuclear power, nuclear generation 

But now I find the word is really nukular 

Yes nukular is the proper pronunciation 

Yes it's nukular nukular n-u-k-u-l-a-r 

Say it and you'll quickly come to love it 

Nukular nukular n-u-k-u-l-a-r 

Show the world you're stupid and proud of it 

Nukular has two u sounds that roll right off the tongue 

Nukular is macho it's athletic 

But nuclear is feminine it's weak it’s far too gentle 

Nuclear is passive it’s pathetic 

Nuclear is complicated it sounds suspiciously like french 

It's just too meek and humble 

Nukular is powerful it has a certain jen ne cest pas 

That says it's rough and ready to rumble 

Yes it's nukular nukular and while it may seem peculular 

Now I say it with no fear 

But how the pronunciation went from nuclear to nukular 

Still remains unkular

OK perhaps I'm being nasty 

Being ugly and only getting ugular 

But with the dumbing down of America today 

I feel the urge to go right for the jugliar 

Yes it's nukular nukular n-u-k-u-l-a-r 

Any other way is just too taxing 

Nukular nukular it rolls right off the tongue 

With nukular the uvula's re-lax-ing 

Yes it's nukular nukular n-u-k-u-l-a-r 

Say it and you'll quickly come to love it 

Nukular nukular n-u-k-u-l-a-r 

Show the world you're stupid 

Really really stupid 

Show the world you're stupid and proud of it

robert frost did write in settings beautiful and rustic 

he wrote of rolling hills and green terrain 

while poor me I must do my writing in the chaos of the city 

sometimes even on a subway train 

how am I to ever learn about the woodlands and the falling 

leaves of autumn and such things sublime 

when I must spend all of my time truckin' ‘round this dirty city 

doin’ what I can to earn a dime 

how did robert frost make payments on that little country house of 

his where did he get the dough? 

could he go down to the country store and sell a poem saying 

here's a nice one I wrote about the snow 

surely now he must have had a sponsor of some sort 

perhaps a lady friend who simply rolled in bread 

a lady friend to say now bob why don't you take a long long walk 

and write whatever pops into your head 

she say bobby don't you worry 'bout the mortgage 

bobby don't you worry 'bout the bills 

bobby why don't you go write a poem 'bout the fences 

'bout the neighbors and the rolling hills

bobby don't you worry 'bout the dishes 

bobby do not touch those pans 

bobby now it is not good than an artist like yourself should be 

walkin round this world with dishpan hands 

so you see old bob was free to follow through his fancies 

wander through the woods behind the muse 

boy if I had bobby's life I could follow through my fancies 

oh to be in bobby's shoes 

boy if I had bobby's life I could be a hero 

go out and find my fortune and my fame 

but the only trouble is I hear from people who have found it is that 

every thing in life stays just the same 

just the same

Run For Cover

Grady called me asked me could I cover for Ron Carter

 I would have said no thank you had I been a little smarter

‘Cause subbing for Ron Carter is a truly thankless task

Something for which you should never ask.    

You see when

People hire Ron Carter they want the genuine article

Not some minor microscopic subatomic particle

When people hire Ron Carter it is not a treasure hunt

They know exactly what they want.

The gig was for a singer a great big opera star. And

Ron was supposed to make the gig you know how these things are.

He was absent, he was missing, simply would not be there,

In his place it would be me there.

I walked into rehearsal looking forward to our meeting

I walked into rehearsal hoping for a friendly greeting

Instead I got a dirty diva look that stopped me cold, that

Warned me of the furies to unfold.

The Diva was not happy the diva was confused, 

I was not Ron Carter  she was not amused

No one had informed her, she did not have a clue

"Where’s Ron Carter who the hell are you?" 

We tried to start rehearsing but it really rough, she 

Hated the way I played the rests, I didn’t rest enough, 

She insisted that the bass must sound like a string quartet,

The diva was upset.

When people hire Ron Carter they want the genuine article

Not some minor microscopic subatomic particle. 

Last minute substitutions like this are the kiss of death

They’re worthy of MacBeth

At the concert she was still as angry as she could be,

I still was not Ron Carter and I probably never would be. 

So I just played the concert knowing soon I would be free

And I could just go back to being me.

Mr. Potato Head

A man had an interesting hobby, 

It seems that sculpting was his gift, And

One day he decided he would sculpt a little something special, 

And he created quite a rift.

For he decided he would sculpt a penis, and 

He would carve it out of a potato,

He worked with practiced hands and eyes, colored it natural dyes, 

Like the pinks and reds in the tomato. 

Those who saw it say it was amazing, in

Perfect detail down to the smallest part

Anatomically quite accurate, very realistic, 

They say it was a work of art. 

But I  will spare you further detail, 

Just understand the thing looked very real, but

keep it forever he just could not, it was a potato it started to rot,

And lose its sex appeal.

So our sculptor took his interesting potato put it  

In a plastic bag and threw it out,

Naturally a woman found it naturally she was astounded, Called the cops who did not have a doubt. 

Nobody wanted to examine it too closely, but

No one doubted it was real.

Soon the papers heard about it,

It was becoming one big deal.

The coroner’s report quite firmly stated,

The thing was real it simply was organic,

Microscopic slides showed that it had been alive,

Still there was no need to panic.

Morticians in the morgue were simply  mortified, they’d

Never so much as lost an inch of colon.

Now they were just horrified to think that someone who had died 

Might possibly have had an organ stolen

After lots and lots of careful testing

Everybody chemist in the lab could see, the 

The subject matter did consist of living cells and chromosomes 

So really what else could it be?

TV stations simply loved the story, they

Had their fun like TV people will. They

Showed the woman who’d found it, in her little store surrounded 

By hot dogs cooking on the grill.

Every day it popped up in the papers,

The little story would not go away,

Peaking everybody’s sense of morbid curiosity,

And their fears about foul play.

Meanwhile our sculptor simply laid low,

Why let the cat out of the bag?

Even though he knew he’d not done anything illegal, 

He knew he should not brag.

Finally he decided it was time to tell the truth,  

What else could he do?

But no one down at City Hall believed a word he said,

They simply dod not think his story could be true.

Some say it was decadent, others say it was time well spent, 

Others just philosophize like Plato, 

But there can be no dispute, it really truly was a root, 

It absolutely was a penis, just not of the proper genus,

Now it’s very clear to see the whole thing was a fallacy, 

Let’s hear it for the bold creator of this old and cold dictator, 

A man and his interesting potato.

My story does not have a funny ending, 

One final joke that we can laugh about. The 

People in Baltimore finally just got tired of the subject matter, and the

Whole think simply……………… 

(you, the reader, must fill in the last two words)

You say that you’re leaving You're going away

you’re not make-believe you mean what you say

I guess I should be grieving and begging you to stay but seeing in believing, today’s that day

‘but baby you might change your mind wait and see

A little twist of fate will leave you feeling like you own the world and you’ll

Feel like coming back to me but baby

I might change my mind

Wait and see and maybe

when you go I’ll get to likin being on my own and I’ll

Want to keep on being free

It’s been coming for some time now, it’s been in the air It seems like the good times they

just aren’t there

You used to love to hold me, but now you don’t care

You say that you’re leaving but baby beware ‘cause baby you might change your mind wait and see

A little twist of fate will leave you feeling like you own the world and you’ll

Feel like coming back to me but baby I might change my mind

Wait and see cause may be

when you go I’ll get to likin’ being on my own

I’ll call Ma Bell and she’ll come by and change the telephone

I’ll find that I can make it down that lonely road alone and I’ll

Want to keep on being free

 Take my seat aboard the plane and what is this see? Leonard Bernstein comes aboard and sits right next to me.

First-class New York to LA some things just work out right

I’ll be sitting next to Leonard Bernstein this whole flight.

Maybe I should just act like I do not recognize him be real cool and do my best not to antagonize him. Now we’re rolling down the runway next stop is LA I’m nonchalant like I ride next to Lenny every day.

Naturally, I turn to him against my best advice introduce myself, and find that Lenny’s very nice. Soon we start to chat and drink and talk about our lives,

We talk about our children and our wives.

What a lovely fellow, what a lovely day, me and Lenny side by side, New York to LA.

Soon we’re chatting drinking talking like the best of pals

Talking music, life, and art, death, and root canals, now he’s interrupting me but really that’s ok ‘cause he’s a lovely fellow and he’s got a lot to say.

I recite some songs I wrote he recites them back for poetry and music he seems to have a knack

He tells me that his new show closed and now he’s feeling beat and

He’s not used to dealing with defeat.

What a lovely fellow, what a lovely day, me and Lenny side by side, New York to LA.

He does the LondonTimes crossword ten minutes and he’s through

He does the puzzle with his pen I do not have a clue. What an intellectual, what a friendly guy,

We talk about the world below as we sail through the sky.

Finally, I feel the airplane starting to descend, and I know this lovely day is coming to an end. Put our trays and seat belts up just like you're ‘sposed to do

Land and bid my friend a fond adieu.

What a lovely fellow, what a lovely day,

Me and Lenny side by side, New York to LA.

What a lovely fellow though really I must say,

I’ve not heard from Lenny since I left him in LA

Not a blessed word from Lenny since I left him in LA

 It’s been over thirty years since I overcame my fears Packed my bags and moved to New York City

Find myself a little place, just room for me and my bass No time to wallow in self-pity

So I go to Jim and Andy’s bar, that’s where the musicians are Give lady luck a little nudge

Open the door and I walk in, right away luck does begin Cause on that day I run into the Judge

No sooner am I in the place, when I’m standing face to face, With one of the great legends in our land

I start getting very nervous, what did I do to deserve this? A Feeling that I think you’d understand

No hidden motivations lurk, the judge knows that I need to work, he knows the hungry look of a beginner

So we talk for a little while until I see the judge’s smile and

He invites me out the house to dinner

So I call on the telephone, a woman by the name of Mona

Answers and say Sunday would be fine.

So merrily to Queens, I trudge for dinner with Mona and the Judge I”m Laden down with flowers, gifts, and wine

(Well flowers and gifts....)

(OK, just flowers.....)

(All right, nothing....I was young)

Naturally, I’m right on time and Mona’s cooking is sublime Real home cooking, yes the genuine stuff

After dinner I play the bass, a stern look on the judge's face, After three notes he says that’s enough.

Oh no I’ve failed my first audition in my quest for a position Just someplace in New York I could play

I didn’t need anything real big, I just wanted a simple gig

I didn’t care what it might pay

So I say good night to Milt and Mona, once again I’m all alone a Young man with those great big city blues

But next week it’s the strangest thing my telephone begins to ring with Gigs for me, such wonderful news.

He helped me so when i got started, such wise counsel he imparted And he taught my telephone to ring

And there’s simply no debating that he helped my credit rating

In itself, a monumental thing.

Perhaps I need a new perspective, lenses just a bit corrective

But to me, the Judge stands ten feet tall

Up from the primordial slime and sludge, occasionally evolves a Judge to Help us find some meaning in it all

He’s shown me how to lead my life, how to deal with stress and strife

Living with a minimum of fuss

He shows us how to lead our lives, he shows us how to take care of our wives while They in fact are taking care of us.

Amazing that a jazz musician should achieve such a position

Where he is beheld a national treasure

But before the birth of Branford and Wynton, I was friends with Milton Hinton A fact I note with great pride and great pleasure.

Another birthday comes and goes, but on the Judge, it never shows He must have friends in higher places

Or maybe it’s just because he’s wise and gets a lot of exercise Chasing trains and planes and lugging basses.

So here I stand before you folks I’ll spare you all the corny jokes, I’ll just play the bass and sing

But from this stage, I will not budge until I get to tell the judge We love you Judge, and thanks for everything

You make every rhythm section swing

We love you Judge and thanks for everything

 Ther'es gonna be trouble I can feel it in the air The owner’s in the corner giving me a nasty stare Ther'es gonna be trouble I can see it in his face Just ‘cause there’s three people in the place.

I give him my best excuses I say you got to advertise

He says if I were famous they’d be here, oh the look in his eyes

There’s gonna be trouble and this is where it starts

He’s talking to waiters, handing out the poison darts

There’s gonna be trouble

He don’t like my music and he don’t like my style

He don’t like my lyrics and he sure don’t like my smile He don’t like my momma or the whole human race Just because there’s three folks in the place

There’s gonna be trouble

Boss I’m really sorry there’s no one here tonight

But the moon is full and all my friends are outside soaking up the light

Pests and vermin roam the street and giant dogs run free, and

That’s the only reason nobody came to see me

There’s Gonna be Trouble

 There’s a room of empty tables a room of empty chairs A room of idle waiters a room of nasty stares

Candles on the empty tables flicker in the breeze Won’t somebody find a way to end my miseries

The cook is smiling at me teeth of flashing gold

Fondling a butcher’s knife so shiny white and cold

People passing by outside with faces dull and vague Looking like if they came in they’d surely catch the plague

The owner’s looking out the window looking oh so glum He don’t like music don’t care where I’m coming from.

I just better pack my tent and slip right out of here

The signs are very clear,

There’s gonna be trouble

 I’ve always known that I wanted to get closer to you, do you

think that maybe there is a small chance that this could happen

please don’t lie ‘Cause if it doesn’t happen

I won’t die

It’s just that I know I could wait forever

If it seems even possible that you. might give in

But do not worry ‘bout me I am survivor, maybe not a thriver

But somehow I manage

Still, it isn’t pretty. Thinking ‘bout you only

Wallow in self-pity, I get very lonely

But still, I am able to make sense of it, don’t ask how

So I’ll cool it

Perhaps I’ll even try to stumble on without you, fumble on without you

Take it easy just let the world keep spinning

And keep hoping you will come around

Or maybe I will just face facts and stop all this schemin’ dreamin’

Trying to knock you head over heels

When it is quite clear how you feel

Guess I lack a certain sex appeal Who am I kidding I’ll never give up

 Woe is Me 6.16.22 Woe is me